Struggling to grieve

(Alex is the one in the middle) Well the irony of last nights post is not lost on me today. I found out today that a good friend from University died tragically a few weeks ago and I didnt even know. Alex was a german biology student who lived above me last year, I spent a good few evenings hanging out in her flat with her and her other german friends and we all had a great time together, we were all setting out on an adventure together and having a great time doing it, for them it was being in scotland for me it was starting my studies and living so far from home. I dont really know what to say about it all except that Im really upset about it, but cant seem to cry or externalise any of it to the point that I feel like im being unhealthy. Im so used to just experiencing things in my emotions right away and I dont know quite whats happening. Alex was great fun, and we had plenty of good chats about my faith and her faith in evolution (being a biology major) she was really kind to the people she was around and welcoming and looking back on the year where we lived so close she was a good friend. Tonight Im praying for her family, who must be experiencing my sense of loss to an extent I cant imagine, For me I think this is the first person Ive known well in my mature life that has died, and in such a tragic way. She was touring scotland with her family when she was trapped in a fire in a youth hostel near skye. Heres the BBC news on it 1 and 2 I was preaching on worship tonight at church, I had half a mind to call our pastor and ask for him to step in as I hadnt finished preparing when I found out and I couldnt collect my thoughts well enough but then an hour or so before I went out I just decided to bust it out. The stuff on the paper was the stuff my heart was passionate to share but I didnt really connect and flow as well as I wanted to, and knew it as I was preaching. I had to stop for what felt like 3 minuites though probably more like 20 seconds when my thoughts about alex which I had surpressed all day popped up and i choked up, It wasnt the time for it so I pushed it back down and got on with it, not sure if that was the right thing to do but It felt like it at the time, I couldnt speak for a while because I would have cried but the silence was unbareable too. Anyway there are a few rambled thoughts for now, my iBook suddenly doesnt feel like such a big deal anymore. Peace